Inspired by this blog, I feel that it’s time I fess up here on my own blog about why I’ve been sucking at keeping this blog updated.
I’ve become depressed again.
So what is it like? For me, depression is suffocating. I want to stop functioning and just sleep and sleep and sleep but the anxiety kicks in where I fear getting in trouble if I don’t go to work, to school, etc. I feel brow-beaten and heavy. In high school I visualized it as heavy, broken, black wings that I was unable to lift off my heart. Sometimes it makes me restless where I pace and am aggravated till I fidget. Other times I’ll sit still for hours in my computer chair blandly functioning on a low level. Doing nothing for hours. Sometimes I want to scream I get so upset at situations I can’t control. It’s frustrating to feel this way when other people seem to be able to handle everyday life.
I’ve entered counseling to try and change this downward slope I’m on. There is also the fact that I’m very lonely out here at grad school. I have my fantastic roommate, but she’s got her BFF and a whole group of people to go spend time with. So far I’ve been unsuccessful in finding people to hang out with. I am hoping to change that by being more involved with school activities.
So here is my declaration: I’m not ashamed of my depression. It happens, it is happening to me. I am not alone.
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I am very proud of you for facing it..now you have to find your path out of it. There has to be an answer to it all..but believe me I am much older and still haven’t found it. I hide myself behinde a fake smaile and cry when I am alone and sometimes I cry for no reason . I am proud of you for speaking up.Maybe putting it down here is a good place to start making a change in our families pattern. But you have to always remember to keep faith that around the corner is a hope for a better day. Don’t ever loose faith in that or you will loose this battle. And scream out until someone listens to you. Demand to be heard and fight for people to know who you are .
I don’t know you, and I’m not sure how I got here, but I wish you much joy and luck overcoming depression. Though I’ve never suffered from it myself, many friends and family have.
I wish you only the best.